Tag Archives: Western

Billy the Kid vs Dracula

No, I’m not joking. This is a real movie about the meeting between the infamous Billy the Kid and the mythical Dracula. I had heard about this film long ago and was never able to track it down until the magic of Netflix. This is a film for those that enjoy a bad movie. The fact that everyone took this film completely serious is what makes it enjoyable. Be prepared for silly dialogue, sillier violence and a few major WTF moments. Then enjoy Billy the Kid vs Dracula.

The story centers on Dracula, played this time by John Carradine, who was no stranger to the role. He had played the immortal count back in the mid 1940s in Universal’s House of Dracula and House of Frankenstein. It might be noted that for an immortal he died in both films. Twenty years is a long time for a moral actor though and Carradine seems ill fit for Dracula. He seems much a threatening villain, and more a cantankerous senior citizen who has just found out casino night was canceled. I have a lot of respect for Carradine and his work in horror, but this wasn’t the right casting for a serious film. For fans of bad cinema though, it’s brilliant but sad casting.

For some ungodly reason  Count  Dracula is traveling on a stage coast out west.  In another weird move on of the fellow passengers, decides to show the leering old man a picture of her nubile young daughter. Dracula’s face turns red and his eyes bug out. Seriously, this is his “I’m a vampire face.” Ignoring this “I’m a perv with a hard on” look from the stranger, she goes on to tell him about her ranch and the cave full of bats nearby.

Billy the Kid vs Dracula with John Carradine

Since Dracula is an elderly immortal and apparently not much for conflict, he arranges for a group of Indians to attack the stage-coach. Killing everyone on board except him (he failed to get on at the last stop). After the slaughter, he pops in and assumes the identity of the ranch owners brother.  Did I mention he did all of this in the bright sunlight ? In fact throughout the movie Carradine’s Dracula moves about freely in the daytime without so much as a sparkle.

Now we cut to the ranch where, the nubile object of Dracula’s elderly erection, Betty, is target practicing with Billy the Kid. Now it seems that Billy has reformed and is living under the assumed name of William Bonney. Yeah, yeah, well that’s the way I understood it. Facts, smacks, we’re talking Hollywood baby.

Billy has settled down and now spends his days courting Betty, running the ranch, and beating the shit out of his pudgy ranch hand plated by Harey Carey Jr. Though usually Billy has to resort to pulling his gun and threatening to kill him. He is reformed ya know.

Billy the kid vs Dracula

Dracula shows up and moves into the ranch in order to woo Betty. Which with him pretending to be her uncle should be easy. This brings him into conflict with Billy. Billy begins to believe “Mr. Underhill” is a vampire. Why? Because a couple of Germans told him so. It might seem hard to belive but the townspeople are reluctant to belive Billy, a former cold blooded killer, when he tells them the kindly gentleman is a blood thirsty immortal demon. A blood thirsty immortal demon with wrinkles and a few grey hairs.

Billy the Kid vs Dracula vamping out

Battle lines are drawn between Billy, the Sheriff, and the local female doctor on one side, and Dracula, the mesmerized Betty and fatty the cow wrangler on the other. The climactic battle takes place in the abandoned silver mine. Where Billy shoots Dracula to no avail (Bullets wont hurt a vampire, you have to drive a stake through his heart) and then throws his pistol at him. While bullets had no effect, the thrown pistol knocks Dracula on his ass. He lays stunned long enough for Billy to stake him.

Billy the Kid vs Dracula

Staking not only kills Dracula but sends a bat flying out of the cave to crash and die, while Dracula lies inside wilting away. Once he is gone, Betty revives, and that’s pretty much it.

Billy the Kid vs Dracula is one you seriously have to see to believe. There are so many scenes that will leave you laughing. Most notably for me was the “vampire face”, which was simply a red light shown on Carradine while he bugged his eyes out, and Dracula getting floored by a thrown pistol. It’s stupid, silly fun. It does drag as a lot of these cheapos do, and it’s one of the things that hurt these so bad they are good films. Bad acting and bad plot add to the fun at times, but boring and slow takes away from that fun.

Also the girl playing Betty, was really boring. If I was Dracula, I would have nailed the Indian hottie that he drained and left to piss off the war party. Carradine was fun to watch but probably not in the way he hoped. Watching him move across the screen, you wanted to give him a hand more than run in terror. Carradine played Dracula again in the 70s, and I would love to see that when I get the chance. I really do love the old gent, and he’s a true horror icon.

So final verdict? If you can’t enjoy a bad film, don’t bother. But if you can, and you want to see a piece of Americana on film, check out Billy the Kid vs Dracula

Linda and Abilene (1969)

Linda and Abilene

Herschell Gordon Lewis is widely considered the Godfather of Gore, and with good reason. With movies like 2000 Maniacs, Wizard of Gore and Blood Feast, he has earned that title. What a lot of people might not have realized is that H.G. Lewis didn’t only direct horror movies. On fact Lewis seemed to dabble in a bit of everything. I was mostly a horror fan, and while I can’t say I have seen all his horror films I have seen several. I knew he had directed and been involved in some early nudies, but like most fans mostly considered him a horror director.

Then one day I came across a film directed by H.G. Lewis billed as an “erotic western”, Linda and Abilene. Well it was too good to pass up so I had to take a chance on it. Well, I definitely wasn’t disappointed. Linda and Abilene is a fun little romp that will have you laughing your ass of most of the film. Don’t be expecting high production values, or an extremely sensible script. This is H.G. Lewis we’re talking about. You have seen Blood feast haven’t you?

Linda and Abilene starts out with Abilene and her brother Tod burying their parents. This leaves the brother and sister all alone on their ranch in the middle of nowhere. We watch as right out of the Blue Lagoon, Abilene starts to discover her sexuality and become attracted to her hunky brother Tod. Tod, for his part, spends his time spying on Abilene bathing, spying on her sleeping, spying on her masturbating while thinking about him.

Linda and Abilene siblings churning

The siblings fight their unnatural urges for what seems like an eternity, an eternity of peeping tom and masturbation. Finally they can take no more and they give in having wild, all in the family sex in the bedroom, in the river, in the butt. OK not in the butt, as far as we know, but the point is they did a lot of screwing.

Tom eventually comes to the realization that there’s no future in poking his sister, and heads off to town in search of some strange. Strange meaning not his mothers daughter. Abilene, deeply in love with her brother, and afraid of being alone, begs him not to go, but he’s determined, and reluctantly pulls away.

Once in town Tod heads into town where he meets tough as nails cow poke Rawhide, and saloon girl Linda. Tod explains how his parents died last week and he and Abilene have been all alone at the ranch. Wait, hold up. His parents died last week. So basically Tod and Abilene fought off their carnal urges for around four to five days at most. Talk about will power.

Tod takes an interest in Linda, attracted to the fact she seems to be the only woman in town, and intrigued a woman who hasn’t breast fed from the same tit as him. They of course hook up and more rowdy late 60s sex ensues.

Rawhide, apparently growing tired of poking cows and Linda, decides to pay a visit on lonely Abilene for some wholesome raping goodness. He rides out to the ranch, where he introduces himself to Abilene, and has a nice dinner of beans before he gets down to the raping. The next morning, he bids farewell to Abilene and heads back to town. If all rapes were as polite, and non violent as this one, the world would be a better place. Before anyone complains, no rape is never funny, but this came damn close. If you are looking for a disturbing, violent, realistic, hard to watch rape scene, try Irreversible, or seek professional help, but don’t look at Linda and Abilene.
Tod, after getting his fill of Linda lovin, heads back to the ranch, most likely passing Rawhide along the way. I’m betting Rawhide even tipped his hat. He gets to the ranch to find Abilene in tears. Whether she is crying because of the rape, or because Rawhide ate all the beans we will never know. When Tod finds out about the rape, he goes into a rage. He feels guilty for leaving Abilene alone, leading to the moral of the story. If you don’t fuck your sister, someone else will.

Abilene begs Tod, not to go looking for revenge. She knows full well that Tod is a pussy and can never take on a bean eater like Rawhide. As Tod rides out, Linda rides in, looking to get a piece of Abilene as well, as either Tod or Rawhide have been telling bedroom tales. She manages to quickly get into Abilene’s petticoats, which makes me wonder why this wasn’t called “Everyone nails Abilene” which would be a more appropriate title. Their roll in the hay, well actually in the ranch house, is one of the highlights of the film. Shame it takes so long to actually happen.

While the two girls are bumping honey pots, Tod finds Rawhide in town and challenges him to a fight. Well Tod is a pussy, but he holds his own until Rawhide shoots him. The film ends as Linda and Abilene bury Tod and ride off together. Umm, they ride off on a stage not on each other.

OK, so what makes Linda and Abilene worth watching? Well there is the lesbian sex of course, but that’s readily available on the Internet now, plus you don’t have the burden of wondering what the two girls would look like making out today. EWWWW. If that turns you on, there is granny porn out there, by the way. The fact is, Linda and Abilene is fun to watch. The incestuous scenes may turn some off and the sex between Tod and Abilene is pretty silly, but they are both very attractive, so there is eye candy for both genders. There’s a lot to laugh about and I’m sure some good drinking games could come out of this.

H.G. Lewis

The setting all look like authentic western film fare, which does add a touch of class. Linda and Abilene was filmed on an actual ranch, which helps the look immensely. However there are a few curiosities that make Linda and Abilene a must see for movie fans. H.G. Lewis fans will be interested because for a long time it was incredibly hard to find. It has just recently been released on DVD as part of the “Lost Films of H.G. Lewis”.

An even bigger selling point for fans of history, and especially for those interested in famous murder cases is the filming location. Much of Linda and Abilene was filmed on the infamous Spahn Ranch. If that name sounds familiar, it was the headquarters of the Manson family, and Linda and Abilene was filmed there just a few weeks before the Manson murders.

Charles Manson

Probably the biggest knock against Linda and Abilene is the pacing. It really drags when there is no sex or fighting. It’s around 30 minutes in before the brother and sister start getting it on, and it’s really tedious. Abilene’s several nude scenes do help, and her fevered masturbation is worth a few laughs, but realistically the film could have been cut by several minutes. I’m sure that the idea was to show how isolated, and lonely the pair were, isolated and alone just a short ride from town, mind you, but it really kills the pace of the film, and makes it tempting to abandon.

Still for fans of H.G. Lewis, and cult films, or those interested in historical crime this is a must see. It’s as close as you will ever get to being on the ranch with Charlie himself. Do yourself a favor and click the link below, before Linda and Abilene goes missing again.